In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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