my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
