I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
