u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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