just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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