nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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