Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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