Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
