Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
