Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
