ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
