my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
