I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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