Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
