I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So vagazzling was a success
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
