Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
