first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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