In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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