I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
