Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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