I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
