i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
