Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
