He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
