ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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