I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
