1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
