I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
