The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
