She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
