I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
