The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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