just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
