I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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