If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
