I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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