please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
