I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
