I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
