I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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