Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
