Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
