I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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