Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
