Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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