why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
