u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
