Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
