its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
