I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
